I remember mentally yelling at myself to “cut it out” or “stop it” whenever I felt that familiar tightening in my chest and my eyes beginning to well up with tears. Growing up in a family of all boys, and parents who really didn’t understand the benefits of actually feeling our feelings, emotions were seen as a weakness. God forbid, there was a tear (the horror!) or opening up about what we are struggling with – that was a clear no-no in the family. Oddly, there were some visceral “negative” emotions that were acceptable. Anger, yes. Fear, yes. Regret, sure. But sadness? Not tolerated.

It’s this strange relationship with sadness that had me always doubt if sadness had a place in my emotional world. Although I knew sadness, I felt uncomfortable in its presence. I squirmed away from it, and felt it was “dangerous” to let it simmer inside me too long. What if it took hold of me, and I’d never be happy again? I’ve always felt that maintaining and chasing happiness was the only remedy for sadness. It is not.

Happiness isn’t a weapon against sadness

I’ve learned that the only true “remedy” for sadness….is sadness. Fully surrender to it, allow it to bubble out, and give it air to breathe.

The last few weeks have been one of the most challenging times in recent memory, marked by deep sadness and disappointments. In the past, it’s always been easy for me to neatly package any negative emotions in a mental box, and shove it aside till it disappears. Whenever sadness would creep in, I’d tell myself to look at all the positive things in my life and use happiness as a weapon against any hint of sadness.

Processing sadness is extremely cathartic

The inner build-up felt like I was carrying around an anchor buried in my heart.

But something about this round of sadness was different. Maybe it was the years of connecting with the deepest parts of me or the practice of feeling into my emotions, or it could have just been the last drop that broke the dam, but I let myself cry. A lot.

I cried for hours. I cried on the phone, I cried into my friends’ arms, I cried in the silence of my bed, and I cried in the ocean where the salt blended my tears away. I let the sadness in, and no longer feared what it would do to me. It was the first true release I’ve had in years.

Fearing and avoiding sadness prolongs the pain

There were things about sadness I always feared. I feared that it would mean I wasn’t strong. I feared that people would judge me as pathetic, negative or depressive. I feared that my tears would make others uncomfortable. I didn’t realize in all those years of pushing my sadness aside, it was hurting me. Deeply.

Instead of releasing sadness into the ether, I was only burying it deeper inside of myself. Instead of honoring sadness, allowing it to come out, giving it the same respect and space as any other emotion, I was silencing it.

Honor every emotion as part of the human condition

How often do we silence what others may call “negative” emotions? Society has us believe that happiness is the ultimate goal. If we’re not happy, we’re doing it wrong. In my humble opinion, happiness has the same weight and strength as every other human emotion (and just as fleeting). It’s neither good nor bad….it just is. It’s a part of us like blood, bones, and matter.

Happiness isn’t the goal, love is

To truly love and accept ourselves, we will honor every feeling. If you’re feeling sad, angry, happy, excited, scared, allow it to surface. It’s ok to feel into it, you will come out of the other side. This too shall pass.